i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
