you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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