Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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