census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
do nipples grow back?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
