my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
