Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize