All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Pants are for mortals
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize