I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
