Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
