Someone shit on the floor
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
