It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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