Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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