I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
