I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
