I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
