i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize