I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
