my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize