I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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