Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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