and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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