i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
