I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
4 words: hood of his car
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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