its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
