before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
