I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
