I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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