Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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