woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
