Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
