My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
