Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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