Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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