I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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