Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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