do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
vagina is talking i cant
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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