Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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