I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
