dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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