Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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