Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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