Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
