John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
