i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
