There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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