Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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