seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
