JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
