Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
