I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
