There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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