remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
