I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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