I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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