hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize