Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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