Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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