I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
