Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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